


Klyntinder

by ckret2



Category: Spider-Man (Comicverse), Venom (Comics)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Crack, Deadpool References, Online Dating, Other, Venom Symbiote Mother Henning Its Babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22902097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckret2/pseuds/ckret2
Summary: Peter Parker has the great privilege of witnessing the breathtaking host-seeking mating habits of the wild symbiote.In his living room.On his borrowed phone.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61
Collections: SYMBRUARY





	Klyntinder

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [@symbruary](symbruary.tumblr.com) Day 25: "finding a host". Hey look I finally wrote about someone other than the Venom symbiote! Ven symby’s still there, but just as a watchful mom.
> 
> Welcome to week four of daily symbiote speed writes, the game where the continuity's made up and canon deaths don't matter.

Peter shuffled out of his bedroom to make coffee.

He froze, staring at the half dozen symbiotes huddled together on his living room carpet.

The symbiotes stared back. A hulking green-and-black humanoid sitting amongst the smaller sludges said, "Hey."

"Hey." Peter turned around, went back into his bedroom, and shut the door.

He opened the door again. They were still there. Nuts. "What."

"We're just using your phone," the green one said.

Peter finally noticed his phone in the middle of the symbiote stew. "Why... why are you in my apartment using my phone."

"Because Father doesn't have a smart phone and Parent knew where you live."

"'Parent'?!" Peter scanned the slimy crowd.

There, perched on a couch to supervise the gooey brood, was a single symbiote that was pure black with white eyes. It caught Peter's gaze, then raised its "head" dismissively, as if turning its nose up at him. Oh, like Peter was the one that had spent years begging it to get back with him. "Oh, great! So you're all Venom's spawn!"

A reddish-black one and a lavender one stretched up indignantly, and ended up accidentally looking like a wiggly question mark and exclamation point. The green one corrected, "Spawn _and_ grand-spawn."

Peter raised his hands, had no idea what to do with them, and dropped them again in defeat. "Why do you need my phone?"

"To find new hosts," the green one said.

The yellow one currently scrolling on Peter's phone started undulating excitedly. The others squished close to see the screen. The Venom symbiote on the couch stretched out a long tendril to see above the crowd. The green one bent closer. "Oh. Oh yeah, that's a nice looking spine. Very roomy."

With a dramatic whiplike motion, the yellow one slapped the screen to swipe right and then kept scrolling.

"I wish more of these profiles had back shots," the green one muttered. "And pics below the waist. Maybe I'm shallow, but sturdy-looking knee ligaments can make or break a host, you know?" Several of the others bounced in agreement.

"Hey, Swamp Thing. Why are _you_ here? To translate?" Peter asked the green one. "You've already got a host somewhere under there, don't you?"

"Oh, yeah, technically?" The green one shrugged. "He's kinda brain dead though. I figured it's time for me to move on to a real relationship."

"Brain dead." Peter held back a hysterical chuckle. "I suppose you lobotomized him."

"Yeah."

Peter had to learn not to say things out loud that he didn't want to be true. "Okay. Okay, you know what, I—I'm gonna go make a coffee. And when I'm done with my coffee, if you things aren't finished with my phone and out of my apartment, I'm going to..." He couldn't call the police, what were they going to do, arrest a bunch of alien oozes? None of them seemed to currently be on the warpath. This was more of a get-a-cat-out-of-a-tree level emergency. "To call the fire department." How was he going to call the fire department if they had his phone?

All of the symbiotes jerked up and stared at him with wide eyes. After a moment, the green one nervously asked, "Does the fire department have flame throwers?"

Peter hesitated. "Yes. Yes it does."

They wrapped up in ten minutes.

###

"Hey, my phone's almost dead," Mary Jane said, "can I borrow yours to look up movie times?"

"Sure." Peter unlocked it and passed it across the couch.

After a moment, Mary Jane said, "Why do you have _Tinder?_ "

Peter's blood ran cold. "Uhhh. Would you believe me if I told you a bunch of alien goos broke into my apartment to download it onto my phone?"

Mary Jane raised an eyebrow. "Honestly, yeah, that does sound like the kind of thing that would happen to you."

Peter sighed in relief.

"Can I check out their profile?"

"Sure. They put it on my phone, no privacy for them."

Mary Jane clicked the app, grinning. "Oh! They put the profile under your name."

"Oh no. Of course they did."

"Technically, it's under the name 'Peter Parker's Phone'."

Peter snorted.

"You may be interested to know that your turn-ons include bodybuilders, vigilantes, and hypothyroidism. Your turn-offs are metal heads, vegetarians, and scoliosis."

"I hate that I have to wonder why symbiotes like hypothyroidism."

Mary Jane's eyebrows raised. "Aaand among a dozen other men and women, you swiped right on Deadpool."

"Oh no."

"He's super excited about your date tonight."

" _Oh no._ Does he know he's talking to an alien or does he think I'm going to show up?"

"Hard to tell. There's a lot of slime-related double entendres in here. He might genuinely be super excited that an alien's going to crawl up his nose, or he might think it's a really gross euphemism."

"Ugh." With Deadpool, it could go either way. "I've gotta go warn him in case he _is_ expecting a human. Please don't let his date be the one that's into lobotomies."

Mary Jane grimaced and started typing. "I'll message him a warning, maybe he'll see it before the date." She glanced up. "If he doesn't respond soon, what are our odds of that movie?"

"Ehh... Don't buy tickets just yet." Peter fished out his mask.

Mary Jane passed Peter's phone back to him. "Hey. If everything's fine with Deadpool and his new friend, maybe you should invite them with us to a movie double date," she joked.

Peter rolled his eyes before pulling his mask on.

**Author's Note:**

> Original post available on [tumblr](https://ckret2.tumblr.com/post/610988512802635777/klyntinder). Comments/reblogs there are very welcome (as are comments here)!


End file.
